I remember.....

I have noticed lately more then a few posts on finances, money, and the lack there of. Maybe it is the holiday season, maybe it is the current state of our economy? Maybe more and more people are starting to feel the effects of the spending orgy we seem to have been immersed in? Whatever the reason, I think there are a few wonderful posts out there. Heather (www.supernaturalworld.blogspot.com) has a great post on food and money. I started to write a mile long comment on her blog, then thought better of it....

I think the only way to truly understand what being working poor, or just plain poor is, is to have been there and lived it. To have experienced that feeling (the one deep down in the pit of your stomach) when you look at your child and wonder if things will get better? When you pay the bills and know there is no money for the utilities, and hope they don't turn off your electricity. Because if they do how do you shower, cook, or call 911 in an emergency? To wake up every day and go to work, busting your ass all day, paying someone half of your paycheck for doing your job with your child. Knowing deep down that the daycare you are leaving your child at is not great, but what choice do you have? You have bills to pay, and flat refuse to be one of those people that live off the government. You try and try, climbing that never ending hill, one bill at a time. Then the hills tosses a boulder at you, and blam you are standing in line asking for help. Waking up in the morning, getting dressed, sliding your pride in your pocket, all the while knowing you are going somewhere you swore you would never go!

For a while things get better, the car is fixed, your child has food (for the moment), and the lights are on. You pick yourself up and start all over. Until the next bill is due. You spend those precious few days worry free, playing with your child, trying to sleep at night, just knowing the bills will come again next month..

To really truly get it, you just have to live it. Some people will say well you should have gone to school then had a child. Others will say, my life is not their responsibility. I made my bed now it's time to lie it in. To those people I say, nothing. Not a thing, because they will never get it. Never understand...

At this stage in our lives we are better off financially. My boys are fed, clothed, the bills are paid, and we are even investing in retirement and savings. BUT! There is not a day that goes by, that that feeling doesn't creep it's way into my stomach. For just a second I remember, and pray. I remember that cold winter day sitting on my bed counting change to buy diapers. I remember calling our extended family for help. Explaining that I, my child's mother could not feed her son, and could they please do my job for me. I remember many sleepless nights worried about tomorrow. I remember so many days consumed by money. I remember the arguments because we were both terrified of the same thing. And, both feeling guilty that we just couldn't get over that damn hill.

Living those years taught me many valuable lessons. I still shop on sale ONLY! I still clip coupons, and buy in bulk. The kids still wear hand me downs. We still eat goulash. Ian often jokes that if the end of the world comes we are all set in the food department. Deep down we both know my fear is far greater then that of the world ending. I think once you have lived it, you know how all to easy it is to arrive right back where you started. At the bottom of that almost insurmountable hill. Trudging right back up again......